It's been just under a week since term ended. Spiritually I think I'm doing ok. Still been faithful with my quiet time and doing it first thing in the morning as a worship to God. Also been journaling my thoughts so that I have something to be accountable for. I enjoy the discipline of spending time with Him first thing and learning how to focus, even though it's quite hard not to be distracted. I also realised today that in order for me to know Him deeper I also need to hunger for Him, to thirst for Him. If I'm entirely honest, sometimes I don't feel that. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I was ever that interested in Him, or was even in love with Him in the first place. I hear stories of people who spend hours meditating or those who fast for days and then suddenly get an illumination. Then there are people during worship sessions who press in and get something out of it. It seems to happen so naturally for them.
I am not one of those people. My mind thinks about several things at any given time. I have to force myself not to turn on the TV or go do something when I read the Word. In worship, I think about all the errands I still need to run and that assignment that I still need to do. I worry about people looking at me and what they might think if I took the flags in the front and started waving them in the air, which speaks more of my disobedience. Why is it so challenging to just BE? Can I not be a doer in more effective things, and be when I need to? I don't want to spend half my life being a Martha when really God wants me to be a Mary and just sit at His knee. I also don't want to keep striving to earn grace when it's already a free gift. I've just finished reading Philip Yancey's "What's so amazing about grace?" and I've just realised something. I don't raise my arms in worship because I am perfect and blameless and great in everything that I do, I do it because I am a sinner and I've fallen short. I raise my arms because I need God to save me, to rescue me from the life that I used to lead.
Because without Him I'd be an emotional wreak.
Because without Him I would wake up in the morning and wonder what on earth am I doing here.
Without Him there is little point in me painting, drawing, dancing or even just breathing.
Little point in me being here.
God did not call the hotshots and the big guys; He picked the 'losers' outcast from society, the kind you wouldn't want your children to mix around with. He spent time with prostitutes, people with leprosy, tax collectors, fishermen, the lowest of the low. He didn't care what the Pharisees thought about Him. He didn't put up with their legalistic ways. He loved all people, even those who hated Him. Jesus was all heart. He knew the Father intimately and He followed Him faithfully.
I so long for this kind of connection. I'm not sure when I will get there but I sure as will try. I am reminded of a picture that Carl, one of my house parents on Year of Training last year gave us. He said, imagine that you're in a ditch, and it's a very deep ditch, you're about 10 metres below ground. There's no way you could climb your way up. You can't jump up, or pivot and lever yourself up. It's pretty much impossible.
Then, someone throws over a rope ladder. Not only that but this person climbs down, gets to your level and pushes you up the ladder.
That is what grace is like. It's God giving you a way out even though you don't deserve it. He comes down to you level and He gives you a way out.
So maybe I don't need to be perfect. I don't need a flashy car, a budding career, a first class degree or a husband. I don't need to be 5"9 with luscious locks and long legs. God didn't choose me because I graduated top of my class or because I won some illustration award. God chose me because I am His daughter and I need Him. There is little that I could on my part.
So next time the demotivation sets in and life seems like an uphill struggle, I am reminded by this quote from the book.
"God in heaven holds each person by a string. When you sin, you cut the string. Then God ties it up again, making a knot - and thereby bringing you a little closer to him. Again and again your sins cut the string - and with each further knot God keeps drawing you closer and closer"
